<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>you are my wish by nafillms</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25348588">you are my wish</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nafillms/pseuds/nafillms'>nafillms</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Fluff and Angst, Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas - Freeform, M/M, Na Jaemin/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan - Freeform, POV Renjun, but not the happy ending everyone wants, i kinda suck at tags :[[, jaemin centric, light angst?, mention of jaesung - Freeform, mention of noren - Freeform, nahyuck bffies, pov jaemin, renmin cuddles, stupid renmin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:00:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,446</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25348588</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nafillms/pseuds/nafillms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Huang Renjun was supposed to be a random kid who rode the same bus as Jaemin. </p><p>That’s all he was supposed to be.</p><p>[or:  in which na jaemin falls in love, suffers, picks himself up, and then repeats the entire process]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you are my wish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>just one thing before you start!! the timeline doesn’t make sense, don’t look into it or try to think about it too much. i tried to make it work but there are some spots where it's iffy. </p><p>OKAY NOW GO READ</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>they ride the same bus to school. every day it's the same; wake up at eight, meet at the bus stop, sit in the second to last row in the very back and head to school. they never really talked, only short conversations like "late night?" or "good luck on midterms". things like that. three months pass by and jaemin finds himself crushing on the boy he sits next to every day. he finds himself wanting to know more about renjun; his likes, his dislikes, what he does in his free time, his favorite color. the little things. so he starts talking to him more. asking renjun, "what’s your major?" and "i think our classes are near each other." (in reality their classes are nowhere near each other. jaemin knew that. he just needed an excuse to talk to the cute boy.)</p><p>from then on they had bus conversations. talking about the weather, what they were doing in class, things they did the night before. little things. and jaemin was content with it. seeing renjun, talking with him, it made the world seem a little more bearable.</p><p>but life isn’t always fair.</p><p>a few weeks go by of their morning talks and renjun comes on the bus with a boy. a handsome boy. his eyes were fierce and jawline sharp. it was a chilly nowadays, so it didn't make sense for the boy to be wearing a loose t-shirt. unless... unless it was to intimidate jaemin. if so then it was working. working a little too well. his muscles were prominent, it obvious he'd spent hours at the gym.</p><p>"jaem!" renjun grinned dragging the boy by the hand over to their usual spot, "i hope you don’t mind, my friend jeno’s joining us today."</p><p>jaem. god how he loved that nickname.</p><p>"oh, no, no i don’t mind," jaemin sent a tight smile over to jeno.</p><p>then things continued on. except now it was no longer jaemin and renjun. it was jaemin, renjun, and jeno. slowly jaemin was beginning to see what was going on. by the way renjun leaned into jeno’s arms, and how jeno’s eyes never left the smaller boy. they were dating, or they at least liked each other.</p><p>another week went by and jaemin stopped taking that bus. his friends said he was stupid, waking up at seven a.m. to take an earlier bus when the eight a.m. one was perfectly fine. except it wasn’t. not when you find out your crush of four months has a boyfriend and you’re forced to sit with them every morning. that just wasn’t something jaemin could do. his heart was too weak.</p><p>a month passed, and then two, and renjun was now a forgotten memory. someone locked deep away in jaemin’s mind. sometimes when he orders coffee his mind wanders to thoughts like, "renjun would hate this coffee." but then he scolds himself. because why yearn for something you can never have.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it’s summer break. classes are over and jaemin picks up a job at an animal shelter. his new job means everything to him. his shifts usually start early in the morning (mainly so he doesn’t get in the habit of sleeping in), and doesn't end until mid afternoon. a sensible person would never work in the shelter for that long. it’s often hot and uncomfortable in the summer. but this was na jaemin. he did as he pleased. early one day, the bell rings. jaemin’s the only one there, he’s in the back making sure all the animals are fed and have water for the hot day ahead of them.</p><p>"hello?" the voice called.</p><p>jaemin almost dropped the food bag, "one sec!" he called back, closing up the food bag and heading back out front.</p><p>"hi,"</p><p>renjun.</p><p>it was renjun. it had been five months since they last seen each other. yet in those five months renjun changed. he didn’t wear those dorky doodle shoes or have his ‘signature backpack' (quote renjun). and his face, oh wow his face, his cheeks had gotten bigger. that’s good. he’s been eating a lot. not only that but he wore makeup. it was light eye shadow and probably some other things jaemin had no clue about, but damn he looked good. another thing to point out was his hair. he was blonde. renjun, the boy who cursed at bleaching his hair and dyeing it, had blonde hair with small blue stripes. renjun had definitely changed.</p><p>"hi," jaemin sent a smile, "what can i help you with?"</p><p>"oh right! my friend’s cat needs different food and he sent me to come get some," his voice was the same. his words came out like honey, every syllable sticking to jaemin’s ears.</p><p>"this isn’t petco, you know that right?"</p><p>"duh, but, you guys have that hairball food, right?"</p><p>jaemin let out a chuckle, "yeah, we do. stay put i’ll be right back," he was gone momentarily before coming back with a bag of cat food. "will this be all?"</p><p>"what?" renjun had gotten distracted by all the animal figurines on the counter. "oh, yes! thank you so much,"</p><p>"just doin’ my job,"</p><p>as jaemin rang up the cat food, renjun asked, "i’ve seen you before, haven't i?"</p><p>jaemin’s throat went dry. "ahh i bet you say that to all the guys," he brushed it off.</p><p>"no, no, really! you seem so familiar," renjun insisted.</p><p>"just one of those faces i guess," lies.</p><p>"are you sure because-"</p><p>"you’re total is $23.94," jaemin abruptly cut him off. he wants nothing more than for renjun to leave. to leave and never come back, because if he enters jaemin’s life again... well jaemin doesn’t think he’ll be strong enough to be around renjun.</p><p>"oh yeah. thanks." renjun yanked the cat food and then ran. </p><p>jaemin frowned, his heart still beating a millions miles per second. maybe he should reconsider his job.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he works part time now; jaemin. school started back up and he needed to cut back on his work hours. of course, his boss understood. she went to college too, some point in her life. jaemin was excited, to say the least. after two years of trying to make dance fit into his schedule he finally got it.</p><p>first day of classes and he didn’t know anyone there. it didn’t really matter, but it would have been nice to have someone he already knew. </p><p>"mr. nakamoto! i’m so sorry i’m late," the student bowed rushing into the classroom. his eyes were puffy and hair disheveled. he looked like shit. "i missed the bus and - and my door wouldn't close so i was panicking and -"</p><p>"hey, it’s alright," their instructor laughed putting a hand up to silence the boy. "come on in and take a seat. we’re just getting started."</p><p>i guess you could say it was jaemin’s lucky day, if lucky was magically a synonym for worst. the boy shuffled to take a seat - a seat right next jaemin. he clenched is jaw trying his best not to make eye contact with the boy. maybe if he didn’t look at him, he’d disappear.</p><p>jaemin found it hard to focus on what mr. nakamoto - now yuta, as saying ‘mister’ makes him sound old when he’s only a few years older than the rest of them - was saying. all he could think about was why haung renjun was in this class. the renjun he knows - he knew - hated physical activity. he would be caught dead before he participated </p><p>"uh hey," oh shit. </p><p>the class was over, it had been over for twenty minutes but jaemin was taking his sweet time to pack up. almost everyone had left the studio. there were only three or five more students left. haung renjun being one of them.</p><p>"... hi?" stupid why would you say that. couldn’t you just have ignored him.</p><p>"hi, jaem,"</p><p>oh shit. oh fuck. everything was coming back. the morning talks, the times they’d buy food for each other, when they’d share an umbrella because renjun had forgotten his. everything.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>a month passed. jaemin made up a bullshit excuse how he hit his head and ended up with some foggy memories (surprisingly renjun bought it, or maybe he didn’t and was just playing along). either way, they were friends again. renjun said his friend - ex boyfriend - jeno had broken up with him before summer had started, and that he took it pretty hard. he practically reinvented his whole style. they didn't spend too much time on this subject, jaemin could tell renjun was still hung up on him by the way renjun spoke. jaemin, again, lied saying one of his classes suddenly changed to an earlier time so he was forced to take an earlier bus. he just prayed all this lying wouldn't catch up to him. </p><p>"is that him?"</p><p>jaemin started seeing someone. he was a second year - originally suppose to be a first year but he was able to skip a grade. they met at jaemin's job. he, park jisung that is, came in a few weeks after the 'renjun encounter' looking for a new tank. they immediately hit it off. jisung came into the store more often, saying he was just looking around or he needed new fish amenities. another week later and they're texting each other good morning and goodnight. jaemin finds out he goes to a dance school. it was actually quite far from where jaemin lived. jisung had been traveling twelve miles early in the morning to see jaemin.</p><p>"yeah," jaemin grinned in the direction of the confused boy. he waved over to jisung, letting out a low whistle signaling where they were. jisung jumped but quickly regained his composure, rushing over to the table.</p><p>it was actually renjun who suggested they all meet, something along the lines of 'you met my boyfriend, so i should meet yours.' something like that. "hi! i'm renjun."</p><p>"oh i know," jisung laughed poking at jaemin's side. renjun's ears flared up at the comment. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>midterms had ended. after one long, hellish, week they got a break. their friend group had suggested they all go out for drinks. surprisingly jaemin agreed. he hardly ever drank. no one knew why, they didn't ask, whenever alcohol was there jaemin would refuse it. jisung let out a loud cheer - this jisung being han jisung. same year as jaemin and renjun. he had been trying to get jaemin to drink with them for ages.</p><p>"you're gonna make him bail!" yerim, sometimes called choerry, grumbled at all the fuss over jaemin joining them for drinks. a few more rowdy shouts were heard before they departed from the campus. </p><p>big groups like this were new to renjun. for most of his life he's just had his best friend and lee jeno. then there were the months where he had jaemin. and then he didn't. it didn't matter now, because jaemin was back. jaemin and all his friends were there for renjun. there were about sixteen of them. often they'd break into smaller groups - sometimes of four, others of ten - but they were always together. there were some that renjun hadn't properly gotten to know. like wong yukhei, another chinese student. one would assume he'd be the first person renjun would talk to, but he didn't. the first person from the group he became friends with was sunwoo. they had run into each other, literally, and spilled their drinks. jaemin had caught them, saying how it was fate they met. </p><p>"to us finishing midterms!" minhyuk screamed holding up his shot glass.</p><p>the rest of the group cheered in response, gowon added, "and to us not flunking out!"</p><p>"ohh i don't know about that one," felix sucked his teeth sending a look over to yukhei.</p><p>"haha," yukhei glared at the shorter boy. "i'll have you know i placed top five. just like i always do." felix stuck his tongue out in reply. often yukhei acted foolish, but he was insanely smart, placing from five to one since high school.</p><p>renjun had never really been loud in the group, but he had a question that had been scratching at his brain since his last test, "who do you think placed first?"</p><p>"defiantly not yerim," olivia giggled. yerim lightly punched her girlfriends arm, ignoring the comment.</p><p>"i would be surprised if it wasn't mark," it was jaemin's turn to speak up. "i mean, i'm pretty sure he's wanting to graduate at the top."</p><p>"good for him! he deserves it," yeri started. "i remember him doing such a shit job in the two classes we had together freshman year."</p><p>"yeah, yeah. enough school talk! if i catch any of you mentioning school, you're getting hit!" jisung cut off the conversation. "let's go dance."</p><p>then they split up. some dispersed into the crowd of drunk, sweaty, strangers dancing like it was the end of the world. others chatted at the table, challenging each other how many shots they can take before puking. renjun? renjun was having fun, swaying back and forth to the loud music at the standing table. jaemin on the other hand, hand't taken more than a sip of beer.</p><p>"are you going to drink or?" renjun yelled over the music.</p><p>"i..." he was embarrassed to say it. he was a lightweight. one shot and he'd be gone. renjun danced in place, his cheeks were already rosy. <em>'ahh what the hell.'</em> jaemin thought before reaching to take one of the shot glasses. and then his memory went a little fuzzy.</p><p>he had woken momentarily, his dinner creeping its way up his throat, only to find himself in his apartment. wait... no. it was renjun's dorm room. renjun was knocked out cold, his upper body on the small couch and the rest of his body on the ground. jaemin looked back to see where he woke from and it was renjun's bed. his throat burned but he pushed it down.</p><p>jaemin wrapped his arms around renjun and heaved him to the bed. he was heavier than he looked. he fumbled up the little step that lead to the bed, almost dropping renjun. jaemin flopped him onto the bed, ripping the blanket from under him and tucking him in. his fingers brushed renjun's bloated cheeks. they were still a rosy color. they looked even redder under the red-orange lamp next to the bed. jaemin's hand made it's way to brush away renjun's hair when he had a thought. a dangerous thought. a thought that could ruin everything good in his life. <em>'i think i still like you, huang renjun.'</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>so they broke up. </p><p>it was new years day, jisung had just gotten back to seoul. almost all of the winter break he was gone. jaemin didn't complain, not to jisung that is. he knew jisung often traveled out with his dance team for performances. but the performances had become frequent. jisung had started canceling dates before the break started, saying he needed more time to practice or his coach had called him in. it frustrated jaemin.</p><p>for the break his family and him went to america to visit an aunt. on the day of his arrival, he didn't tell jaemin he was coming back. the next day he called jaemin telling him they should meet. as one could imagine, jaemin was confused. jisung told him he would meet jaemin as soon as he got back, but it had been a whole day.</p><p>what happened next felt like a millisecond. as soon as he got to the park, it was where jaemin took jisung on one of their first dates, jisung said they needed to break up. apparently jisung had caught feelings for a boy he practiced with, and jisung didn’t want to be known as a cheater so he said it was best they end things. </p><p>jaemin then found himself at the front of renjun’s door. his forehead was rested against the door, he was about to fall asleep from all the crying he did. it was the weekend, ten a.m., renjun was probably still asleep. jaemin gave once last knock before leaving. he sent a quick text to renjun, <em>'hey i stopped by. i think you were asleep so i just left haha. sleep well injun!'</em>. he took a cab ride back to his apartment - he almost fell asleep on the ride home but thankfully the streets were busy and the driver honked his horn - and threw himself onto his bed. it hadn’t been more than ten minutes when his phone dinged.</p><p>
  <em>'hey!! sorry i was sleeping &gt;&lt;'</em>
</p><p>a small smile fell upon jaemin’s lips reading the text, <em>'ahh you shouldn’t apologize. i just wanted some company'</em></p><p><em>':o is everything okay??'</em> the text was sent almost immediately after jaemin’s.</p><p>
  <em>'oh ahaha yeah just</em>
</p><p>
  <em>jisung broke up with me :p'</em>
</p><p>renjun shot out from his bed reading the text. he doesn’t know why he felt so happy. he shouldn’t be feeling happy. <em>'oh my god im coming over!!'</em> renjun leapt, rushing to put on suitable clothes. his phone dinged a few times - probably jaemin telling him it was fine and he didn’t have to come over - but he ignored it. </p><p>it was a busy day in seoul. jaemin was lucky he was able to catch a cab. renjun on the other hand waited near the road, searching to see if there was someone who could pick him up, but atlas all the cabs were busy. so he ran. ran two blocks to jaemin’s apartment complex. </p><p>
  <em>'renjunnnnnn</em>
</p><p>
  <em>stay home!! i doubt you’ll be able to get a ride. the buses wont be around for a while, and i don’t want you walking here!!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>renjun??'</em>
</p><p>one knock, then two, and then five rapid ones. jaemin frowned setting his phone down and getting out of bed. it couldn’t have been renjun. it takes longer than ten minutes to get from the campus to his apartment, especially in this winter weather. jaemin opened the door to find a shivering renjun. his nose was a bright red, his cheeks as well. jaemin pulled him into the apartment.</p><p>"oh my god! did you - you ran here? renjun! oh my god, okay, okay!" jaemin rubbed his eyes and wipes his runny nose on his sleeve. he was freaking out. renjun was freezing and if he stayed like this he could get frostbite. "give me your coat and - and take off all the stuff with snow on it! i’ll uh... put it on the bathroom floor." he rushed renjun into the bathroom. he shut the door behind them and made renjun sit on the toilet after taking off his snow ridden clothes. </p><p>"do you - do you have pants i could borrow? the bottoms of mine are a bit wet." renjun spoke, his teeth still chattered as jaemin turned on the bath.</p><p>"oh... oh yeah, i’ll go get some." when jaemin returned he made sure the bath water was warm enough and told renjun to get in. </p><p>"are you gonna watch me or?" renjun raised an eyebrow standing up from the toilet. </p><p>jaemin’s face light up. he could feel himself getting warmer, "no. no! i’m leaving. uh, call me if you - you need anything."</p><p>renjun just laughed. jaemin had just gotten dumped, renjun was supposed to be helping him. not the other way around. renjun sank into the water letting the warmth surround him. he didn’t stay in for more than ten minutes, he had a jaemin to comfort. </p><p>renjun approached jaemin, who was standing in the kitchen with two hot cups, "hey..." he said gently.</p><p>"hi?" jaemin turned around with a jump. "was the bath okay? are you feeling better?"</p><p>"yes! thank you so - no, wait. jaemin! i came here for you, and all i've done is make you take care for me!" he frowned taking a small step back.</p><p>"ah, i don't mind taking care of you," renjun's heart almost skipped a beat. almost. "and i'm starting to feel a lot better. especially because you're here now."</p><p>there it was. the thing that made renjun's heart soar. even when they knew each other on the bus, jaemin always said things that made renjun's heart soar. it was always small things - 'you look great today', 'i can carry that', 'hey i brought you breakfast' - that made renjun get flustered. he never showed it though. often he'd blame his reddened cheeks on the weather or the lack of sleep, so jaemin grew to assume renjun's cheeks were always that red. that red color he loved seeing so much. "do you... wanna talk about it?"</p><p>"there's not much to talk about," jaemin turned, picking up the two mugs and wandering over to the couch. renjun quickly followed and sat down. "he, uh, he broke up with me because he started liking someone he went to school with, and didn't want to cheat on me so... so yeah."</p><p>renjun struggled to find something to say. jaemin didn't seem too upset, but then again, jaemin was a good actor. jaemin reached for the remote, "wanna watch a movie?"</p><p>"if it will make you feel better," renjun tried to meet jaemin's eyes, but he was focused on opening netflix.</p><p>"anything i do with you," he turned his head away from the screen to face renjun. a soft smile appeared on his mouth as he gazed at renjun. jaemin looked at him with such delicate eyes, he almost forgot to breathe. "will make me feel better."</p><p>renjun's heart plummeted. he was so screwed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>jaemin had passed out around the third movie. they were laying back on the couch together - jaemin pulled up the table and placed blankets over it as a makeshift foot rest - and their shoulders were almost touching. renjun hadn't noticed jaemin was asleep until he heard soft snores coming from his left. his mouth curved upwards and he sat up, "ah... na jaemin."</p><p>renjun sat himself so he was sitting on his knees and facing jaemin. leaning forward, renjun brushed a hand across the sleeping's face. jaemin stirred causing renjun to jerk his hand away. his heart was beating incredibly fast. he waved his hand over jaemin's eyes and blew air, making sure he was still asleep. when the coast was clear, renjun brushed a finger through jaemin's blonde hair.</p><p>"i have a confession," renjun whispered. the movie was still playing so even if jaemin was awake it would be almost impossible for him to hear renjun. "i didn't have a friend that had a cat. well... jeno owned a cat - cats - but we weren't friends when i came into the shelter." renjun shifted so that now one leg was hanging off the couch and his head laid against the couch. he pulled his hand back and started to fiddle with his fingers, "and - and i was just passing by that day. y'know, i was meeting up with my friend. his name's chenle. we moved to korea together. our parents are, like, the bestest of friends. yeah... anyways! i remember seeing the back of your head, i wasn't for sure if it was you or not so i went in to check.</p><p>"i, uh, i missed you," he huffed as his eyes began to sting. he'd never said any of this out loud. not to jeno the weeks after jaemin left, not even to his best friend. "the first few days i thought you were sick. but then a week passed and - and you still weren't there. i was really pissed, but - i mean we - were we even friends? we only talked on the bus for... one... four... for, like, five months. we never exchanged numbers or hung out. but maybe that was because of me. i don't think i ever gave you a signal that i wanted to hang out. i think i would have liked to though."</p><p>jaemin's body fell from its upright position and landed in an uncomfortable sideways position. renjun quickly stood to pick up jaemin's legs and lay them where he was previously sitting. when renjun looked back up to jaemin, his mouth was opened. he looked absolutely beautiful sleeping. even though his hair was smashed against the canvas and his eyes were still a little red, he was breathtaking. renjun scooted up on his knees to fix the smashed hair when jaemin reached out to wrap an arm around him.</p><p>"come to bed," he mumbled out, his arm not letting go of renjun. "it's cold, ji."</p><p><em>'oh... right jisung.'</em> renjun frowned trying to push away from jaemin, but he was unexpectedly strong. and then renjun had a thought. sleeping with jaemin wouldn't do much harm. right? it wouldn't do, well, any harm. renjun threw himself onto the couch. he had only been the little spoon once, when he failed a big test and jeno had insisted he be the big spoon for the night, so he found it a little awkward turning his back from jaemin and cuddling up in it.</p><p>maybe he had been too loud because right as renjun was to lay down, jaemin spoke, "renjun?"</p><p>"oh my god!" renjun's voice shook as he quickly turned to face jaemin. "you... you called for jisung when i came over so..."</p><p>"oh..." jaemin was still holding onto renjun.</p><p>"can i - uh, i can stay... if you want," his feet got ready to get up. renjun started preparing himself for an awkward goodbye.</p><p>jaemin looked back over to the t.v., chicken little was playing. his grip on renjun tightened slightly, "stay. please stay."</p><p>he moved himself further back into the couch to make room for renjun. renjun slide down so his head was near jaemin's chest. it started a little awkward, them not knowing if they could touch there other, or if where they were touching was okay. eventually they found a position that was comfortable; jaemin had his back against the couch and renjun laid curled up in his arms. renjun prayed and prayed jaemin wouldn't be able to feel his rapid heartbeat. </p><p>"was jisung always the little spoon?" renjun spoke looking up towards jaemin. he only smiled and placed his free arm behind his head. </p><p>"he liked to tell everyone he was the big spoon and took care of <em>me</em>, but we knew it wasn't true. sometimes he stays at the dance studio until, oh i don't know, two a.m? anyway, he'd stay late and forget to eat so i'd bring him homemade meals." jaemin smiled fondly at the memories.</p><p>"did he - wait. how are you feeling? should you really be talking about him?" renjun stopped himself from asking anything else about jisung. jaemin let out a laugh causing renjun to gulp. he could feel his chest vibrate.</p><p>"hey, you're the one who brought him up,"</p><p>"no..." renjun fought for a comeback. "okay, fine, but i asked how you were." he poked at jaemin's sides.</p><p>he stayed silent, like he was trying to form a sentence but his mind wouldn't let him. "i dunno - i was sad? when he wanted to break up, but now... now i don't feel like that. is that bad? i feel empty, like, i just don't care that he broke up with me."</p><p>"well, i wouldn't say its a bad thing. maybe this is just your way of processing the break up." he said.</p><p>"but it doesn't feel like that! god, this is so confusing." jaemin groaned out of frustration. </p><p>"for now... let's just lay here and think of anything but jisung,"</p><p>"i like how you think, injun," jaemin smiled again, turning to wrap his other arm around the tiny boy and giving him a hug. <em>'i think i like everything about you.'</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>winter break was over. things went back to normal, or as normal as they could. he doesn't know what got into him, but jaemin was more touchy with renjun. it wasn't anything too extreme - just gentle touches on the waist and occasionally leaning into renjun when he laughs - little things. at first jaemin was scared about renjun becoming uncomfortable with the touches, but after some time it seemed like he enjoyed them.</p><p>and he did.</p><p>jaemin's touches became expected, something renjun looked forward to. jaemin's hand would often find itself brushing against renjun's or loosely playing with his fingers. renjun thought it was cute. cute how jaemin never went too far with anything he did. jaemin was gentle, much gentler than any of renjun's past relationships, and he loved it. jaemin left renjun wanting more, craving for more.</p><p>weeks pass on and now they find themselves grabbing at each other. renjun was never one for affection of this sort. he never felt as if skinship was something he needed in life. not until jaemin. </p><p>there were so many things he learned when he was with jaemin; never touch the random goo on the side of the street - no matter how intriguing the color is. if you're going to pet the alley cat, be sure to have tuna or else you will get scratched. jaemin loves back hugs. jaemin loves strolling around at night with no destination in mind. he loves the smell of coffee and books. he loves talking to his landlord - the small granny who always complains about jaemin's hair color choices. finally, something renjun realized only recently: he has a crush on na jaemin.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"no way... he really asked you?"</p><p>renjun bit down on his tongue nodding. it's been a month since renjun had realized his crush. as well as a month since wong yukhei and him had started talking. it's been a pretty crazy month.</p><p>"well... do you like him?" jaemin leaned forward on the couch watching as renjun paced around his living room. ever since jaemin's break up, his apartment was a place renjun frequented at. if he wasn't at school or his own dorm, renjun was at his place. jaemin didn't mind - not at all - but he could see things going wrong if renjun kept coming over like he does now.</p><p>the brown haired boy (yes he dyed his hair back. after months of jaemin complaining about the faded out color, he dyed it) chucked his phone onto the couch and continued to pace. it's been about ten minutes since renjun told jaemin <em>wong yukhei </em>asked him on a date. he had told renjun he didn't need to answer immediately, but before sunday would be best. renjun walked over to jaemin and sat in front of him, "what do you think i should do?" <em>'tell me not to go.' </em>"do you think i should go?" <em>'tell me i shouldn't go. please. just tell me what we've been doing, whatever we've been doing, hasn't all been a delusion. tell me what's going on in that head of yours.'</em></p><p>"you should," jaemin paused. what should he say? what did he want to say... <em>'don't go because i've been in love with you since that day at the shelter.'</em> yeah... that sounds good enough. "you should go, duh." <em>'na, you're stupid.'</em></p><p>renjun faltered back. of course jaemin would say he should go. it's not like he knows about renjun's crush. renjun quickly recomposed himself before agreeing. he quickly sent a text to yukhei and stood.</p><p>"i should head out,"</p><p>"what? you just got here."</p><p>"yeah, i know, i - uh - mr. min gave us a shit ton of packets, and i should probably work on them." renjun never prioritized his work over the chance to lounge at jaemin's apartment. he was already at the door before jaemin could say anything, "i'll see you soon, 'kay? bye jaemin."</p><p>jaemin knew, about yukhei's crush on renjun. he had known for a while now. yukhei never came out and directly said he had a crush, but they could tell - jaemin, yuri, felix, and a couple others. they've been friends for two and a half years. of course they'd be able to tell when one of them had a crush. or maybe it's because yukhei was being obvious because not once did someone call out jaemin.</p><p>jaemin fell into the couch and screamed. he let a string of curse words fall from his mouth as he screamed. he should have been more selfish. he should have told renjun not to go. he should've told yukhei to back off. but he just couldn't. not when yukhei talked about renjun like he was the universe.</p><p>"fuck," jaemin felt his eyes begin to sting. he scrambled for his phone and went to his contacts, clicking on a name he hadn't imagined clicking on. jaemin let out a shaky breath before putting the phone up to his ear, "oh, hey. you answered."</p><p>"of course i did. it's been a while since we've-" a sob escaped jaemin's mouth cutting off the man speaking. "jaemin? jaemin talk to me."</p><p>"i don't even know why i'm crying! ahh, i'm so stupid."</p><p>shuffling was heard on the other line before he spoke again, "sit tight. i'm on my way over."</p><p>"you don't know my address,"</p><p>"text me it, dummy."</p><p>"oh... right."</p><p>"i'll be over soon, minie, just sit tight. hey," he gently spoke into the phone. "i missed you, like, a lot."</p><p>jaemin let out a breathy laugh, his eyes shutting tight. "i missed you too."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"tell you're boyfriend to hurry up! this isn't a charity."</p><p>jaemin groaned at the tiny woman cursing at him as he entered the building. it was fall, soon to be winter. almost a full year since he got dumped by jisung. almost a full year since... "mrs. choi! he's not my boyfriend! he just moved in with me."</p><p>"yeah, yeah. just tell him to get me my rent!" the landlord snickered. "what happened with that other young boy? i haven't seen him around as often as i use to."</p><p>"goodbye, mrs. choi!"' jaemin quickly rushed into the elevator. it was true, renjun hadn't been over in a while.</p><p>with his hair now black, jaemin lightly hit his head onto the wall of the elevator. after that day, jaemin and renjun hadn't been the same. one possible reason was that now renjun had a boyfriend (yes, after three months of going on dates <em>renjun</em> asked yukhei to be his boyfriend.)</p><p>jaemin stepped out of the elevator and was met with his roommate, the man he had called, lee donghyuck. </p><p>"thank god! min, minie, holy fuck i burnt the pasta!" he didn't give jaemin the time to ask questions as he dragged him into their apartment. when jaemin introduced donghyuck to his friends, everyone had questions. 'where did he come from? who was he? <em>what's your relationship with him?</em>' this man had suddenly shown up in jaemin's life, and no one knew who he was to jaemin, just that he was close to him. closer than anyone in their friend group had ever been. closer than renjun.</p><p>"you're gonna get mrs. choi up here throwing cans at us again!" jaemin groaned louder seeing the mess. the oven was smoking and there was pasta sauce was leaking off the counter. </p><p>donghyuck was his best friend, one that he hadn't contacted in almost seven years, but his best friend nonetheless. they grew up together, and then drifted apart sophomore year of high school. things just kept coming up that led to them not talking.</p><p>fortunately, donghyuck was back in seoul, only twenty minutes away from jaemin's apartment when he had called. the timing couldn't have been more perfect. donghyuck had been living with his aunt until he found his own place to go. her house wasn't big enough to hold donghyuck and her four children. </p><p>jaemin remembers that day so clearly. he remembers opening his door to donghyuck and his mouth dropping wide open. it was only natural for him to have changed, it'd been seven years since jaemin saw him. he was taller - there was no doubt - but also slimmer. his posture was still shit, jaemin suddenly remembered scolding a pubescent donghyuck for his constant slouching. donghyuck left him speechless. he was incredibly beautiful.</p><p>"shut up! just help me throw it out,"</p><p>"this is why you're not allowed to cook," jaemin hissed throwing the piping hot pasta into the trash.</p><p>for the rest of that day, jaemin spent it pouring his heart out. he confessed everything to donghyuck. how he was painfully in love with renjun, how he wished he had been more careful. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>"why are you still so damn</em> <em>insecure?" donghyuck's comment made jaemin flinch. his eyes widened as he tried to speak. nothing but air left his mouth. donghyuck sounded angry, but his face was soft. he gazed at jaemin with so much care, it made jaemin fall silent.</em><em> "you never went for what you wanted. you always kept your distance and never took any risks. i hated that so much, you know? jaemin, you were my best friend. do you know how painful it was for me to keep watching you hurt yourself? over and over again."</em></p><p>
  <em>he paused, inching closer to the puffy eyed boy, taking his hands in his. "i know we were only kids... but i hated seeing you get teased and - and pushed around because you couldn't say no. jaemin, you love this kid so fucking much. you're so stupid for letting him go." jaemin let out a laugh, his head nodding in agreement, sobs quickly erupted from his laugh. he had already cried so much that now there was nothing. his eyes stung and his body shook as donghyuck rested their foreheads together. tears slowly fell from the sunkissed boy's face and onto their intertwined hands as he continued to speak, "please... jaemin, please be kinder to yourself."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he wasn't a rebound or some sort of replacement. renjun genuinely liked yukhei. it had taken him months to confirm his feeling were true before they made things official. although he liked yukhei, un-liking jaemin would not be an easy task. whenever they went on dates or hung out, renjun would catch himself thinking about jaemin. would jaemin like this movie? i wonder if jaemin's been here before? they were dangerous thoughts as he already had a boyfriend, but it couldn't be helped. he still had a crush on jaemin, a strong - slowly depleting - crush. renjun never shared his thoughts, not with yukhei at least, and that's where they were different: renjun and yukhei, jaemin and donghyuck.</p><p>while renjun kept his feelings hidden, the latter were blatantly honest with theirs.</p><p>"i like you," jaemin suddenly exclaimed as they ate dinner.</p><p>donghyuck looked up from his bowl and blinked, "yeah, i like you too."</p><p>"no! i mean, ugh, i like you romantically!" </p><p>"yeah, i know, and i'm telling you," donghyuck spoke slowly as if jaemin wouldn't be able to comprehend (which would be correct. this whole conversation left jaemin dumbfounded). "i like you too."</p><p>jaemin's mouth fell into an O shape. he was once again driven into silence by his roommate. it had been five months since they had started to room together, since they reconnected. jaemin had already graduated. he was still working in the shelter - a part of him wanted to quit but he was too attached to the animals there. everything was going fine until one day jaemin realized his heart fluttered when donghyuck was around. </p><p>"minie," donghyuck started realizing jaemin was sitting in silence with a confused look on his face. "i like you so damn much, but i know you still love renjun. yeah, it kinda hurts, but my jealousy doesn't matter. you can't rush things like this. i wanna wait for you, hell, i'm <em>going </em>to wait for you."</p><p>"you could be waiting forever..."</p><p>"then i'll wait forever! just let me stay by your side. that's all i'm asking for."</p><p>jaemin didn't respond. he averted his gaze down to his almost empty bowl of tteokbokki. they sat there for another seven minutes of silence before jaemin spoke, "okay."</p><p>"okay?"</p><p>"wait for me, hyuck. please wait for me."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>renjun was getting married. earlier in the day, the two had hung out at a cafe. renjun broke the news to jaemin - who took it very well - and asked if he would be his best man. he had told jaemin almost exactly what yukhei said when he asked renjun out; he didn't need to answer immediately, but before sunday would be best.</p><p>"i'm getting deja vu," jaemin groaned flopping on top of donghyuck who was sitting on their couch.</p><p>"you gonna say yes?"</p><p>"well... yeah, i guess. he looked so happy when he said he was getting married. his stupid smile..."</p><p>donghyuck just hummed in response, leaning over to place a short kiss on jaemin's cheek. the two were exclusive. jaemin was still finding it hard to let go of renjun but, with donghyuck there it was a little easier. jaemin scooted down so that his head was placed in donghyuck's lap. he grabbed the boy's tiny hands and placed them on his head. donghyuck immediately knew what jaemin wanted and proceeded to brush through his hair. </p><p>"wanna be my plus one?" jaemin suddenly asked.</p><p>"and steal half the food? hell yeah."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the reception was beautiful. all the guests had made they're way outside as the sun began to set. lights hung tree to tree and flashed on as it became night. somewhere in the middle of the dancing and eating, donghyuck noticed how renjun kept looking over to them, like he wanted to speak with someone.</p><p>"minie, i'll be right back." donghyuck tapped jaemin's shoulder and placed a soft kiss on his lips. he quickly scurried off to another section of the room, looking back only once to see renjun walking over.</p><p>it was a little awkward, renjun had walked over yet he was just standing behind jaemin, unmoved and silent. when he did speak up, he startled the - now silver haired - boy. jaemin had stood to continue to talk to him. they stood and chatted about the night. silence washed over them once again before jaemin threw a his arms around renjun. some people had began cheering. it confused jaemin, why were they cheering when all they had been doing was talking and then hugging?</p><p>"renjun," jaemin started, taking all the cheers and clapping to his advantage. renjun tried to pull away to see him clearly, but jaemin held him tight, tighter than he ever had before. "i love you, and i'm really happy for you." tears swelled in jaemin's eyes as renjun spoke. his voice was unheard as jaemin's thoughts took over.</p><p>
  <em>i wish i could stay. i wish i could hold you, kiss you, give you everything that i have. i wish i could wake up and you be the first thing i see. you are my one and only wish, my first love. you're the person i think of when i go into a tea store, or pass by the arcade. when i enter into the bus, i'm suddenly filled with memories of you.</em>
</p><p>"jaemin? are you okay?"</p><p>
  <em>renjun, my sweet injun, when i look at you my heart aches. it aches so much. when you smile it feels like i can't breath, it's like the air in my body suddenly vanished. and when you laugh, my eyes turn glossy. you smell like a spring morning when the grass is fresh and the sun gently kisses your skin. you're the morning glories that greet me on my way to work. you're so incredibly beautiful.</em>
</p><p>"yeah... i'm just really happy for you."</p><p>"minie! hey, renjun, i think jaemin and i are going to head home. congratulations, once again."</p><p>"oh, yeah, okay."</p><p><em>you are the most amazing person i've ever met. </em> <em>you're my brightest star, the star i look up to during the night, the star i wish upon when i'm feeling down. the thought of you calms me like no other, but renjun, my heart aches. i'm growing weary. i want to keep wishing, i want to keep dreaming, but i'm tired. it's been so long that i've forgotten what it feels like to wish.</em> <em> i'm sorry that i've been holding on for so long. it would be selfish of me to continue, so i'm here to tell you something:</em></p><p>
  <em>dear renjun, thank you for being everything that you are. thank you for letting me love you so deeply, i found it hard to let go. thank you for staying with me when i needed you. thank you for letting me into you life. <em>thank you for being my wish.</em></em>
</p><p>
  <em> <em>i'm letting go of you now. i'm ready to move onto bigger wishes. don't forget me, renjun. you will always be my most beautiful wish, and i hope yukhei is yours. so for the last time, i love you. i love you, huang renjun.</em> </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>UMHFSKHKF yeah hi :&gt; thank you for reading all of this! i think it's 7k ish words... not sure. i had written the first 2k words at three am and then gradually built it up. the thought of making renmin endgame never once left me as i continue to write, and i'm glad i didn't give in.<br/>this was more jaemin's pov than renjun's, but i hope i was able to convey all of their emotions. i don't have much else to say...</p><p>twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/nafillms">nafillms</a><br/></p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>